Each week we go to visit my mother in law in the nursing home. She's been there for a couple of years since she had a stroke. She is wheelchair bound, no longer has use of her left arm or leg, and requires assistance for most everything, so she is unable to live by herself. Hiring someone to take care of her was not viable financially and there is no family member who could stay home to take care of her; not to even mention that getting her up to the second floor of a two flat where we live was next to impossible. And carrying her down in an emergency would be totally impossible. So, there was no other option for her other than the nursing home.

Needless to say, we all feel a little guilty about the whole situation, even though we looked for, and found a good facility which would be suitable for her. This one is a kosher facility for the Jewish elderly. She's not kosher, and not particularly religious, but we wanted her to be with a community of people with whom she would have something in common culturally.

No matter how good it is, or how nice the people are, there is still no place more depressing than a nursing home.

Here's a little of the reality of a nursing home.

First of all there is a complete loss of dignity, because people with disabilities like my mother-in-law's have no choice but to be dependent on a stranger for their every personal need. They have to be dressed, bathed and toileted by someone assigned to them. Usually, they try to keep the same aide with a patient as long as that aide is working there. But, in jobs like that, where the pay is not more than minimal there is a lot of personnel changeover, so each time I imagine the sense of embarrassment that occurs has to be dealt with yet again.

Their clothing is all labeled with names and room numbers but somehow there is much disorganization, and clothing always disappears. Or, coordinating parts of outfits are never clean at the same time, so it looks like she is dressed in randomly chosen items. And every day for her is a bad hair day as her hair is never quite right. That's really, really demoralizing for a lady who was always very particular about her appearance.

Their daily life consists of basically breakfast, lunch and dinner, with a lot of waiting around in between. They have some activities, and those who can participate do. But things requiring hand use are pretty much out for her. So she ends up sitting in a day room watching TV with the other people in the room, most of whom are in wheelchairs and many of whom are either only barely able to communicate or are completely out of it.

She tells us that they watch what the day room aide wants to watch. Whoever has the remote has the power. So there are a lot of Jerry Springer type programs, soap operas and and basically a lot of FOX TV garbage. There doesn't seem to be any effort made to try to find things of particular interest to the patients at all. Reading is difficult because she can't hold a book or turn the pages, and her eyes bother her, so she's stuck with whatever TV they put in front of her.

Every once in a while they break the routine by showing old movies, or having some entertainment, like a piano player, or some singing group or something like that, and she does like that change in routine, but those days are rare.

At first, it was really hard for her, and she spent a lot of time crying and being terribly depressed. Gradually they found the better-living though-drugs regimen that works best for her and, honestly, we are happy that they have, because I don't think there is any way in the world that a person could be in that environment daily without serious doses of mood altering drugs.

Of course, the thing she looks forward to the most is family visits. Right now, she has three visitors a week, and that's a lot more than most of the other people get. She most enjoys looking at her old pictures. So we often bring her photo albums and she gets to reminisce. Remember this tip if you ever have to visit someone in a home. Bring pictures and you will all have a much better time.

Some of the people there just have no one left who can visit all. Some probably have relatives who just can't be bothered. And I imagine some of the relatives who used to visit just got to the point where they couldn't take it anymore and they just quit coming, because it is so depressing.

There are days when we take her back upstairs to the day room and sometimes one of the other people crys out, "Help! Help! Help me mister," to Chuck. Or, if you are near enough, another one, will grab your hand with a death grip and and not let go. Or, there's theone says "Help! They're keeping me prisoner here against my will." Or, there's thelady who runs around babbling in Russian, picking up random objects and carrying them and depositing them in strange places. Or, there are the ones who just stare into space and drool.

On the way to the day room, you have to pass by the toilet room, and the bath-tub room. Sometimes the doors are open and you see what you aren't meant to see, what you don't want to see.

We are just so glad to get out of there by the time our visit is over. We both sometimes feel so bummed out that we could use some mood altering drugs ourselves.

I'm not saying there is any sort of abuse going on, or that the home does not do the best it can, given the circumstances. Some of these people may have Alzheimer's and/or other forms of dementia. I think it's a pretty good place, as far as nursing homes go. I have to believe that, really.

There are not enough people who want to work in nursing homes and the salaries are just too low to keep the good ones. Most of their clientele are probably on Medicaid, and extra funding for programs to help those in need, old or young, is short in this political climate. Government funding cuts out on physical therapy after three months, which makes the situation worse for everyone in the long run. And no one is pushing to fund any alternative types of programs which might cost less in the long run-- like hiring home health aides for those able to live alone with some help.

I have no new suggestions for solutions to the problem. Had we the money and the way to change the circumstances we would. There's neither snappy nor happy ending here. I guess I just wanted to unload.