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It's been a long and mostly boring week , filled with only things I had to do, and nothing any too creative. I finished the project for the NPO, did some basic maintenance around the studio, and then I spent part of a couple of days making up two jewelry orders.

Ironically, although I am sick of the jewelry, that's what I enjoyed doing most. I suppose that's because I can do it in my sleep. When I am making certain production items, I can zone out and go right into a sort of meditative state that actually feels very relaxing. There is no anxiety involved because I know what I am doing so well that I don't have to worry about the outcome. I am absolutely secure in my skills. I can fix anything that goes wrong or make it over again if I have to without much trouble.

At the same time, it is also that very lack of challenge that can push me quickly out of the relaxed space and into the antsy space where I hate what I am doing if I have to make too large an order.

Also this week, the site for the workshop at which I am invited to teach was updated and my name is there. I looked and I immediately got the horrible feeling of panic in the pit of my stomach. I agree to do these things and then later when it becomes a reality and there is no backing out, I always experience feelings of deep insecurity, having serious doubt that I will be able to perform. I feel like I am just an impostor and everyone will surely find me out and I hate that feeling. In the past everything has always turned out to be just fine. But I have to go through this high anxiety every single time. I wish I could just get over it.

I'm having a hard time achieving a comfortable balance between these states.

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