12.18.2005
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Friends Yesterday
morning we went downtown to see an art show. Saturday was the last
day it was up and, and we had just been too busy to get down there
earlier. We ran into a friend, the gallery director, and he gave
us a personal tour which was nice. We also got a chance to catch
up on what's been happening since we saw him last, six months ago.
Which was good. He's been responsible, to a large extent, for urging
me to pursue a new venture, teaching workshops on a very specific
aspect of book arts, which has been quite successful for me. As
it happens, he is the brother of a very good friend of ours who
died about 10 years ago. And his sister-in-law used to be my best
friend. For
reasons not completely clear, or understood by him, the relationship
with his sister-in-law and his niece and nephew is strained. And
for other reasons, completely unrelated, but also not completely
clear or understood by me, his sister-in-law ceased being my best
friend about two years ago. So we also had a chance to commiserate,
gossip a bit and speculate about what happened, and so on. It was
great to see him, but it also served to reopen some of the unresolved
issues related to the loss of my friend. Triggering
thoughts about lost friendship comes at a time when I feel particularly
vulnerable, since another very close friend is about to move away
at the beginning of February. I am in total denial about this. I
just don't want to face it at all. I find myself just staring into
space a lot, or trying not to burst into tears. My
current friend is in California for the next ten days to visit her
kids for the holiday. So, last night we treated her husband, also
our good friend, to dinner because we wanted to be sure to be there
to celebrate his birthday this year. I put on the smile and the
happy face, but, really, I just felt very sad the whole evening.
We usually have coffee with them and with some other friends on
Sunday mornings, and today it wasn't any easier to forget the sadness. I
do have other life long friends who have moved away, and I am still
in touch with them and I get to visit them occasionally. When we
are together we pick up just where we left off and we easily recapture
our special connection. So,
of course their moving doesn't mean that we'll never see them again,
or talk to them or write them. There is e-mail, and there are phones,
but having someone physically present is quite different. Nothing
really substitutes for a nice warm hug, or a pat on the back or
an exchange of thoughtful words at exactly the right moment. I
guess I am going to have to sit down and have a good cry and hope
that I can get over this, and find a way to get to a place where
I can accept it, and instead of obsessing on the loss, start to
think about making new connections. Maybe I also need to resolve
old issues relating to my other lost friendship, and figure out
whether I should just let it all go, finally, or attempt to find
a way to resurrect the old connection. It's a hard holiday for me this year, and it's difficult to write about.
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