Families
of divorce always have problems celebrating holidays. When the kids
are little, parents and lawyers sort it out. Kids don't have much
to say about it, it just is.
When the
kids become adults the practice of splitting up the holidays continues,
only now schedules and obligations of the adult kids are taken into
consideration. When one of the kids gets married another kink is thrown
into the holiday planning because additional time must be factored in
for the new set of in-laws. I hesitate to imagine what the logistics
might be like if the other parents were also divorced.
There has
never really been an answer which makes everyone happy --satisfactory
or adequate-- is about all we've ever been able to manage. I don't know
why it happens this way, but "X" usually gets Christmas Eve, and
Christmas somehow gets split up between me and the daughter-in-law's
family-- sometimes alternating years and sometimes even splitting up
the day. Now that the grand-daughters are older that's difficult, too,
because as a family they want to have their own Christmas, and I certainly
can't blame them for that.
Last year
was not my turn for Christmas, and in thinking about how to make it
all a more satisfying experience for me, I had the idea to create my
own special extra day. I wanted something which we could have fun with
and perhaps plan to keep as some sort of yearly tradition, not necessarily
meant to replace the officially designated holidays, but to selfishly
have as my own in addition to the usual ones. I took the 26th last year,
originally deciding to celebrate Boxing Day. But then somehow Festivus
evolved out of it --the holiday created by George's parents on Seinfeld--
a holiday to put the *FUN* back in “dysfunctional.”
It seemed
right for us... a silly holiday for a basically silly family. We could
create our own traditions. Instead of the Festivus pole, we had the
Festivus ball --last year a strange and useless piece of kitchen equipment--
passed along to the winner of the games of mental strength (board games).
The winner then became responsible for Festivus the next year. I liked
that part because as I get older, I wonder more and more when the kids
start to take over some of the responsibilities for festive family occasions?
Last year's event turned out to be fun; my oldest son won the ball and
graciously agreed to have the celebration.
Which brings
us back to this year...
We
decided to celebrate Festivus on the 22nd. Since my visiting son and
his girlfriend were leaving on the 23rd, I was asked if I would mind
if "X" and "Yfe" (his wife), and their daughter could be there as well
so we could just roll the major celebration all into one Festivus Ball
this year.
Under the
special circumstances, and because I am a nice person and I didn't want
to cause unnecessary conflict and have yet more Holiday Celebration
Confusion (HCC), I agreed to do this, reminding my son that it was not
my original plan to have this become a permanent substitute for my Christmas
time with family.
Through
the usual round of mis-communications, my daughter was not informed
of this plan until two weeks before Christmas. She then asked me if
there were other regular plans for Christmas. I had erroneously assumed
that the kids would all be spending part of Christmas with their father
this year since I thought that his usual plan had been supplanted by
his coming for “Festivus.”
Nope!
He was
still having his own Christmas Eve thing, coming to my thing, and my
son and daughter-in-law were going to be at the her family's thing yet
again this year. On occasion we have been invited to the in-law's party,
but we always feel like we are the odd persons out among a family of
hundreds... well 30 or so... and we often end up just sitting in a corner,
blending into the crowd, observers to their Christmas. For a lot of
reasons, we prefer to do our own smaller family unit thing. So, this
year, we made our own additional plans for Christmas Day with just my
daughter and her boyfriend.
OK, now
we're back to the party...
We unloaded
all our gifts and the salad. I brought a new Festivus ball I made especially
for the occasion... the new prize for the games. In addition I brought
a candle in the shape of a brain to light to signal the beginning of
the games of mental strength. I was prepared to have some good, silly
fun.
But it
just never worked out. Instead I got into a twit because it seems like
every time I said something within hearing range of "X", he felt compelled
to explain something to me. Referring to the sushi my son made for appetizers,
I asked, “Now, is one of these, eel?”, because I like the eel the best.
But "X" took my question to mean that I needed sushi education. Fact:
We are the ones who introduced my kids to their love of Japanese food
and sushi years ago. I just looked at him coldly and said "I know,"
as he started to launch into some nuance of sushi-ness.
Strike
two.
Next...
dinner was served... and as we walked into the dining room, X is right
behind me, instructing me with just these words. "The kids made place
cards, if you just read them you'll know where your place is."
....DUH???
EXCUUUUSE ME...
I know
communication was a problem in our relationship long, long ago, but
really... was there something about our marriage that left him seriously
thinking I could not grasp that concept? How insulting! I was really
regretting letting him horn in on my holiday. I just turned to him and
said, "I think I know how to read."
Strike
three!
He's out
of any future Festivus celebrations with me.
They
did a great job on the dinner, the food was very good! I certainly appreciated
that the only thing I had to be responsible for this time was the salad,
roasted asparagus and red pepper with mache, basil and bibb lettuce
in a simple lemon balsamic vinaigrette... tasty if I say so myself.
Then we
had our gifting moment, which was chaos as usual, with the grand children
barely aware of where their gifts came from, but everyone seemed relatively
happy. Thank goodness for kids, at least their genuine enthusiasm and
gratitude makes festive occasions worth while. We got some magazine
subscriptions we enjoy; and an indoor fountain which I wanted because
I have been thinking about making my own, so I was somewhat curious
to see what the commercial ones are like.
But, the
Festivus ball and the Festivus candle just garnered looks of confusion
from "X" and "Yfe." I could tell that they were pretty clueless about
the Festivus holiday plan. As the evening progressed, it became clearer
and clearer that there were not going to be any games. That just didn't
fit into anyone else's agenda. When my daughter-in-law's parents dropped
in it was a given.
It felt
that at some level this event was designated to be Festivus, or whatever
it is we want to call our part of Christmas, yet any particular specialness
of it to us was ignored and lost. Someone mentioned again the plans
for "X" 's usual little Christmas Eve thing with the kids and I started
to resent that I was conned once again into giving up my thing --the
good old gullible Mom, and everyone else was still having theirs.
I guess
I did have some expectations about the evening which weren't met. And
I was definitely ticked off because of what I perceived to be the snarky
comments from “X. I know I must have been very upset because I spent
the next two days, including Christmas Eve cleaning out two closets,
and rearranging the guest room. I've noticed that I do things
like that when I am annoyed or angry. I suppose reorganizing physically
helps me reorganize mentally in some way. It helps diminish the anger,
too, so I don't lash out and start casting random blame. Nah...I like
to sort it out 'til it's really specific before I speak.
Don't get
me wrong. There's nothing wrong with an event for just visiting, especially
when family we haven't seen for a year has come in from out of town.
It is good to visit. We probably should have a holiday family get together,
and if it needs to include "X" and his family, and other relatives,
fine, I fully understand the necessity for simplifying, and for having
everyone present at the same family gathering sometimes. Certainly there
will be more and more events throughout the years which will require
that. And I can get along with "X" just fine if need be. So if people
feel the need to add a specific family event during the holidays which
does include everyone, that's fine, but I don't want it to donate mine
again, thanks very much. It may be selfish of me, but I value the occasions
when we are together and comfortable with our silliness, and the idiosyncrasies
of the family we became, sans the "X."
At
least Christmas ended on an up note, though. My daughter and her S.O.
came over on Christmas day and we went to see Cast Away. Then
we went back to our place and opened our presents and we cooked and
ate the food all of which they brought over, including some great steaks.
Though I generally love to cook, I am especially grateful not to have
had to cook and plan any big meals this year. The day was relaxed and
comfortable, and I welcomed the lack of tension.
We got
gift certificates for movie tickets and for Blockbuster®
rentals, and a Best Buy® gift certificate. You
know what that means-- we'll get a chance to do some more guerrilla
sound again when we cash it in... heheh.
On to the
real millennium maybe the right solutions will all come in the next
century!